1 00:00:10,350 --> 00:00:13,311 I did a benefit with Shaquille O'Neal yesterday. 2 00:00:13,395 --> 00:00:14,813 Oh, yeah? 3 00:00:14,896 --> 00:00:16,565 Yeah. And I swear to God, 4 00:00:16,648 --> 00:00:18,650 your hands are bigger than his. 5 00:00:20,610 --> 00:00:23,780 Should I do stock market? 6 00:00:23,822 --> 00:00:26,658 Yes. Why the hell wouldn't you? 7 00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:28,410 I like having all my money in checking, 8 00:00:28,493 --> 00:00:29,828 so when I get a receipt at the ATM, 9 00:00:29,870 --> 00:00:31,830 I see a high number. 10 00:00:31,871 --> 00:00:33,957 And, uh... Deborah? 11 00:00:33,999 --> 00:00:36,710 Oh, sorry. I... 12 00:00:36,793 --> 00:00:38,962 I've been approached about doing a podcast. 13 00:00:39,004 --> 00:00:42,257 I got to say, very impressed you don't have one. 14 00:00:42,340 --> 00:00:44,301 I know, right? 15 00:00:44,342 --> 00:00:46,011 Thank you so much. 16 00:00:47,721 --> 00:00:49,681 No, no, thank you. 17 00:00:52,184 --> 00:00:55,270 I'm cooking dinner for Ruby tonight. 18 00:00:55,353 --> 00:00:57,856 Did you know you can make dressing? 19 00:00:57,939 --> 00:01:00,650 It doesn't just come as dressing in a bottle. 20 00:01:00,692 --> 00:01:02,319 Of course. 21 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,487 I travel with my own balsamic. 22 00:01:04,528 --> 00:01:06,489 I'd be selling it, too, if goddamn Newman 23 00:01:06,531 --> 00:01:07,782 hadn't cornered the market. 24 00:01:11,036 --> 00:01:12,454 Sorry. Sorry. 25 00:01:16,541 --> 00:01:18,043 What time were you born? 26 00:01:18,126 --> 00:01:19,544 I wanna look at your birth chart to see 27 00:01:19,628 --> 00:01:22,129 what houses your planets are in. 28 00:01:22,214 --> 00:01:23,548 Don't know, but I can tell you 29 00:01:23,590 --> 00:01:25,342 what cities my houses are in... 30 00:01:25,383 --> 00:01:27,344 uh, Vegas, Aspen, LA, 31 00:01:27,385 --> 00:01:28,720 Jackson Hole, Palm Beach, 32 00:01:28,803 --> 00:01:31,056 and if penthouses count, Dubai. 33 00:01:32,432 --> 00:01:34,851 Remind me, do you observe Lent? 34 00:01:34,893 --> 00:01:37,020 Absolutely not. 35 00:01:37,062 --> 00:01:38,647 Do you? 36 00:01:41,399 --> 00:01:42,943 Hi, honey, it's Josefina. 37 00:01:43,026 --> 00:01:44,528 Deborah took an Ambien 38 00:01:44,569 --> 00:01:47,072 but will text you in the morning... 39 00:01:47,113 --> 00:01:50,242 or in the afternoon if it was 20 milligrams. 40 00:01:50,325 --> 00:01:51,742 Good night. 41 00:02:05,257 --> 00:02:08,134 Hey, quiet on set. We're close. 42 00:02:08,217 --> 00:02:11,096 Hey, Deborah, I'm Mark, the first AD. 43 00:02:11,137 --> 00:02:12,430 - Yeah. - We're almost ready to go. 44 00:02:12,472 --> 00:02:13,974 We're just waiting on the fountains. 45 00:02:14,057 --> 00:02:16,101 Can we get your stand-in so you're out of the sun? 46 00:02:16,142 --> 00:02:17,894 Oh, no, it's fine, baby. I've got an umbrella coming in. 47 00:02:17,936 --> 00:02:19,187 - Okay. - Move it! 48 00:02:21,273 --> 00:02:23,525 Hi. 49 00:02:23,608 --> 00:02:25,110 - Hi. - Thanks. 50 00:02:25,193 --> 00:02:26,945 So I bumped into the booker for late night, 51 00:02:26,987 --> 00:02:29,406 and he said again how much they'd love to have you on. 52 00:02:29,447 --> 00:02:30,615 Eh, no. 53 00:02:30,699 --> 00:02:31,950 I-I got too much going on. 54 00:02:31,992 --> 00:02:34,244 Really? Because you did make time 55 00:02:34,286 --> 00:02:36,871 to do this ad for the Vegas Chamber of Commerce. 56 00:02:36,955 --> 00:02:39,416 I love Vegas. I love commerce. 57 00:02:39,457 --> 00:02:41,167 Let's just pass on it for now. 58 00:02:41,251 --> 00:02:42,794 This is the fourth time they've asked. 59 00:02:42,836 --> 00:02:44,462 And your special was a year ago now. 60 00:02:44,504 --> 00:02:45,922 They're not gonna ask again, 61 00:02:45,964 --> 00:02:47,465 and I really think this is the moment. 62 00:02:47,507 --> 00:02:49,050 - The answer is no. - No means no, Jimmy. 63 00:02:49,133 --> 00:02:50,302 Get over it. 64 00:02:50,385 --> 00:02:51,803 I got you, girl. 65 00:02:51,845 --> 00:02:54,723 Okay, yes, but I need you to explain why. 66 00:02:54,806 --> 00:02:56,391 I can't keep passing 67 00:02:56,474 --> 00:02:57,976 on something that I think as your manager 68 00:02:58,018 --> 00:02:59,477 you should be doing. 69 00:02:59,519 --> 00:03:03,231 That's the show I almost hosted, Jimmy. 70 00:03:03,315 --> 00:03:06,818 After my special, everybody knows how badly I wanted that. 71 00:03:06,860 --> 00:03:09,696 So if I go on the show and I don't kill... 72 00:03:09,779 --> 00:03:11,740 it's like, you know, of course she isn't hosting. 73 00:03:11,823 --> 00:03:14,284 She's not even a good guest. 74 00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:15,952 Oh. 75 00:03:15,994 --> 00:03:17,537 What? 76 00:03:17,621 --> 00:03:19,456 That's just kind of lame of you. 77 00:03:19,497 --> 00:03:20,832 Excuse me? 78 00:03:20,916 --> 00:03:22,792 Spicy boy. 79 00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,669 Deborah, of course you're gonna kill. 80 00:03:24,753 --> 00:03:26,338 You always kill. All you need to do 81 00:03:26,421 --> 00:03:28,256 is tell a good story, and I bet you have binders 82 00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:31,092 full of amazing stories to tell. 83 00:03:31,176 --> 00:03:33,011 - Rolodexes. - See? All right, you know, 84 00:03:33,094 --> 00:03:34,846 I'm just gonna tell 'em you're gonna do it, unless you want me 85 00:03:34,888 --> 00:03:36,556 to offer them Vanna White singing "We Are The World." 86 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,391 In C flat. Do you guys want to hear it? 87 00:03:38,475 --> 00:03:40,435 She sent me a voice memo of the whole thing. 88 00:03:40,519 --> 00:03:42,312 No. 89 00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:43,730 Fine, I'll do it. 90 00:03:43,813 --> 00:03:44,898 - Tell them I'll do it. - Yes. 91 00:03:44,981 --> 00:03:46,316 Okay, this is a good decision 92 00:03:46,358 --> 00:03:48,026 that was very simple. I'm glad we... 93 00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,060 - We're ready! - Worked it out. 94 00:03:49,068 --> 00:03:50,195 Okay, we're ready. 95 00:03:50,278 --> 00:03:52,531 - Break a leg, girl. - Whoo! 96 00:03:52,572 --> 00:03:54,782 We're ready. 97 00:03:54,866 --> 00:03:57,285 - Background. - Background! 98 00:03:57,369 --> 00:03:58,369 And action. 99 00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,288 The shopping! 100 00:04:00,372 --> 00:04:02,040 Cut. 101 00:04:02,123 --> 00:04:05,710 We got it. That is a wrap on Deborah. 102 00:04:05,752 --> 00:04:07,587 - Hey, hey, eye. - What? Are you okay? 103 00:04:07,671 --> 00:04:09,422 - Watch my eye. Yeah. - Jimmy, where's the car? 104 00:04:09,506 --> 00:04:11,383 - It's right over here. - Come here, queen. 105 00:04:11,424 --> 00:04:13,218 All right, we had them double-park. 106 00:04:29,568 --> 00:04:31,695 Okay, so Tripadvisor is... 107 00:04:31,736 --> 00:04:32,904 Oh, my God, can I just have... 108 00:04:32,946 --> 00:04:34,322 - Oh. - Like, one second? 109 00:04:34,406 --> 00:04:35,740 Yeah, sorry. 110 00:04:39,911 --> 00:04:41,705 Okay, so Tripadvisor is... 111 00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:46,960 Sorry, but if we want to stay in a gligloo 112 00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:48,753 when we're in Iceland, all the reviews are saying 113 00:04:48,795 --> 00:04:50,380 that we need to book now. 114 00:04:50,422 --> 00:04:51,672 A gligloo? 115 00:04:51,756 --> 00:04:53,216 - Glam igloo. - Oh. 116 00:04:53,258 --> 00:04:54,926 - Could be chic. - Mm-hmm. 117 00:04:55,010 --> 00:04:58,096 I know the show hasn't given you your dates yet, but... 118 00:04:58,138 --> 00:04:59,931 Just book it. 119 00:05:00,015 --> 00:05:02,184 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 120 00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:04,102 Let's do whatever you want. 121 00:05:04,186 --> 00:05:06,730 You're spending your whole hiatus where I'm shooting. 122 00:05:06,771 --> 00:05:08,857 I'll tell them they have to work around it, 123 00:05:08,899 --> 00:05:10,317 and they'll just have to deal. 124 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,985 Okay. 125 00:05:12,068 --> 00:05:15,864 Very hot number-one-on-the- call-sheet energy, baby. 126 00:05:29,961 --> 00:05:31,588 Deborah, right here. 127 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:35,217 We've got Arnold, Carmen, and Carmen's cousin. 128 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,300 Arnold. 129 00:05:36,301 --> 00:05:37,427 Oh, my goodness. 130 00:05:37,469 --> 00:05:38,803 Oh, and the cousins are here. 131 00:05:38,887 --> 00:05:40,597 Hey, Deborah, looking gorgeous. 132 00:05:40,639 --> 00:05:42,390 Can you just write, to Kevin, 133 00:05:42,474 --> 00:05:45,435 congrats on your gastric bypass. 134 00:05:45,477 --> 00:05:48,021 - Hope this one sticks, honey. - Oh, thank you so much. 135 00:05:48,104 --> 00:05:50,273 Deb, I found out our dogs go to the same groomer. 136 00:05:50,315 --> 00:05:52,400 - What's this? - It's a candle. 137 00:05:52,484 --> 00:05:53,735 This is two chins ago. 138 00:05:53,736 --> 00:05:54,777 I never would have approved this. 139 00:05:54,778 --> 00:05:55,820 Where'd you get it? 140 00:05:55,862 --> 00:05:57,072 I bought it off of Etsy. 141 00:05:57,155 --> 00:05:58,573 Who the fuck is Betsy? 142 00:05:58,657 --> 00:06:00,492 No, Etsy, it's a website. 143 00:06:00,575 --> 00:06:02,327 There's a lot of DV merch on there. 144 00:06:02,369 --> 00:06:04,412 I actually just bought a replica 145 00:06:04,496 --> 00:06:06,623 of your birth certificate. 146 00:06:06,665 --> 00:06:08,124 Damien! 147 00:06:08,166 --> 00:06:09,751 - I'm right here. - Did you know about this? 148 00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:11,127 No. 149 00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:12,712 I'm taking this. 150 00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:17,634 She took my candle. 151 00:06:19,344 --> 00:06:20,762 Let's call Grandma. 152 00:06:32,898 --> 00:06:34,317 And what are these? 153 00:06:34,359 --> 00:06:36,194 These are websites I printed out. 154 00:06:36,236 --> 00:06:38,446 Oh. Good? 155 00:06:38,530 --> 00:06:40,949 Do you know how many sellers there are on Etsy 156 00:06:41,032 --> 00:06:43,702 making a profit off my name and likeness? 157 00:06:43,743 --> 00:06:45,412 - I don't. - Look at this first one. 158 00:06:45,495 --> 00:06:47,330 This is a throw pillow. 159 00:06:47,372 --> 00:06:50,584 Okay, it says, tax loopholes are my love language. 160 00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,878 Now, that's true, but, I mean, I didn't authorize this. 161 00:06:52,919 --> 00:06:54,254 Did you? 162 00:06:54,337 --> 00:06:56,089 No, but now I want this pillow. 163 00:06:56,172 --> 00:06:58,508 It's not funny, Marcus. This needs to stop now. 164 00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:00,385 Okay, okay, I'll get on it. 165 00:07:00,427 --> 00:07:01,803 Look at this. 166 00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:03,346 It's a coffee cup that says, 167 00:07:03,388 --> 00:07:06,725 I'm so old, I went apple picking with Eve. 168 00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:09,477 I mean, I like the joke, but I hate that font. 169 00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:47,015 Okay. 170 00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:17,254 Okay. 171 00:08:17,295 --> 00:08:19,214 This is your last late night story. 172 00:08:19,297 --> 00:08:21,091 You've gone through the whole Rolodex? 173 00:08:21,132 --> 00:08:24,678 Uh-huh. It's USO debacle in Germany. 174 00:08:24,761 --> 00:08:26,555 That's a good one, but that hinges 175 00:08:26,638 --> 00:08:28,515 on the Berlin Wall still being erect. 176 00:08:28,598 --> 00:08:30,350 I just think you do the other one, 177 00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:33,228 change Studio 54 to Buddha Bar and Quaaludes to fentanyl. 178 00:08:33,311 --> 00:08:35,397 Oh, that is sad. 179 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,315 Buddha Bar is no Studio 54. 180 00:08:37,357 --> 00:08:39,317 - Yeah, sure. - God damn it. 181 00:08:39,401 --> 00:08:41,653 Martha Stewart is so lucky she went to jail. 182 00:08:41,735 --> 00:08:43,488 I mean, that shit's evergreen. 183 00:08:43,530 --> 00:08:45,657 Why don't you tell a more recent story? 184 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,909 You can talk about your new horsehair bed from Austria. 185 00:08:47,993 --> 00:08:49,661 Remember when we thought it wouldn't fit 186 00:08:49,744 --> 00:08:51,830 through the window but then it did? 187 00:08:51,872 --> 00:08:54,082 Yeah, very relatable. 188 00:08:54,165 --> 00:08:56,001 Are you sure you didn't miss anything in there? 189 00:08:56,042 --> 00:08:57,460 Let me check. 190 00:08:57,502 --> 00:08:58,962 Did it, did it. 191 00:08:59,004 --> 00:09:02,674 Oh, Benihana's with O.J. Simpson. 192 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:05,552 - No. - Forget it. 193 00:09:05,635 --> 00:09:07,304 You know what? 194 00:09:07,345 --> 00:09:11,016 I'm going to make a new story. 195 00:09:15,974 --> 00:09:17,600 Scott Thompson? 196 00:09:17,642 --> 00:09:19,227 Carrot Top, yeah. How can I help you? 197 00:09:19,311 --> 00:09:20,937 As you know, this land has been zoned 198 00:09:20,979 --> 00:09:22,689 a historic environmental preservation zone. 199 00:09:22,772 --> 00:09:24,357 We're going to need you to vacate 200 00:09:24,441 --> 00:09:26,067 the premises immediately so we can begin demolition. 201 00:09:26,151 --> 00:09:28,194 Demolition? What the fuck are you talking about? 202 00:09:28,278 --> 00:09:29,362 Yes, sir. There was a city council meeting 203 00:09:29,446 --> 00:09:31,197 where this was discussed. 204 00:09:31,281 --> 00:09:32,782 No one has ever discussed anything with me about any... 205 00:09:32,824 --> 00:09:34,576 Please put whatever belongings 206 00:09:34,659 --> 00:09:35,952 - will fit into this bag. - Are you fucking kidding me? 207 00:09:35,994 --> 00:09:37,954 Demolition will begin in 20 minutes. 208 00:09:37,996 --> 00:09:40,290 20 minutes? This is a joke. 209 00:09:40,332 --> 00:09:41,833 Mr. Top, we sent several notices. 210 00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:43,500 You didn't send jack shit, and I don't think 211 00:09:43,543 --> 00:09:45,128 you have the right fucking house. 212 00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:46,963 See if you have the right fucking house on there. 213 00:09:47,005 --> 00:09:49,466 - 1929 Chickasaw Way. - God damn it! 214 00:09:51,343 --> 00:09:52,844 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 215 00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:55,347 Wait, no, stop, you can't do this! 216 00:09:55,430 --> 00:09:59,643 Wait! 217 00:09:59,684 --> 00:10:01,311 I got you. I got you. 218 00:10:01,353 --> 00:10:03,188 - Deborah? - Oh, thanks so much. 219 00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:04,731 I needed a story for late night. 220 00:10:04,814 --> 00:10:07,025 This is going to play like gangbusters. 221 00:10:07,067 --> 00:10:08,985 Do not have anything better to do with your time? 222 00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:11,112 What the fuck is wrong with you? 223 00:10:11,196 --> 00:10:12,447 Oh, lighten up. 224 00:10:12,530 --> 00:10:14,032 What's wrong with me? 225 00:10:14,074 --> 00:10:15,575 What's wrong with your landscaper? 226 00:10:15,659 --> 00:10:17,994 Look at this shrub. It's dead. 227 00:10:18,036 --> 00:10:19,704 I should take that out. 228 00:10:19,746 --> 00:10:21,790 Jesus. No, stop it. 229 00:10:21,873 --> 00:10:23,291 Stop, stop, stop! 230 00:10:23,375 --> 00:10:25,335 I fucking love that bush! 231 00:10:35,553 --> 00:10:37,055 Marcus. 232 00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:39,349 Ezekiel. 233 00:10:39,391 --> 00:10:41,810 So you're "DebbieTwoTon," huh? 234 00:10:41,893 --> 00:10:44,521 Mm-hmm. 235 00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:48,191 Ezekiel, do you know what this is? 236 00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:50,735 - A candle. - But who is on the candle? 237 00:10:50,777 --> 00:10:52,237 The greatest living comedian of our time. 238 00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:53,822 You have a problem. 239 00:10:53,905 --> 00:10:55,824 First of all, this candle is not soy based. 240 00:10:55,907 --> 00:10:57,200 That's going to be a dirty burn. 241 00:10:57,242 --> 00:10:58,827 Fuck. 242 00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:00,495 But your real problem is that you're running 243 00:11:00,578 --> 00:11:02,414 an Etsy store selling unauthorized merchandise. 244 00:11:02,497 --> 00:11:05,417 And my very litigious business associate can sue you 245 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,294 for trademark infringement. 246 00:11:07,377 --> 00:11:10,505 It would be an honor to be in litigation with Deborah. 247 00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:13,425 And, also, I will not be policed by some straight guy 248 00:11:13,466 --> 00:11:15,302 who doesn't get it because he's not even a fan. 249 00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:18,888 - I'm not straight. - Prove it. 250 00:11:18,930 --> 00:11:22,517 And just so you know, I am the original fan. 251 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,853 I created the first Deborah Vance merchandise. 252 00:11:24,936 --> 00:11:26,563 I am the original fan. 253 00:11:26,604 --> 00:11:28,481 I've seen every one of her specials over 40 times. 254 00:11:28,565 --> 00:11:30,817 Okay. Then what was her most well-attended overseas show? 255 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,319 Stockholm '97. Her birthday. 256 00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:33,820 Her real birthday. 257 00:11:33,903 --> 00:11:35,363 Same day, two years earlier. Bra size? 258 00:11:35,447 --> 00:11:36,865 None. She does custom. 259 00:11:36,948 --> 00:11:38,700 What's her favorite food if calories don't count? 260 00:11:38,783 --> 00:11:40,535 Potatoes dauphinoise. If calories do count? 261 00:11:40,618 --> 00:11:42,120 Endive salad, no croutons. 262 00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:43,538 Okay. 263 00:11:43,621 --> 00:11:44,789 What's her favorite snack? 264 00:11:44,873 --> 00:11:46,541 Ezekiel, that's a trick question. 265 00:11:46,624 --> 00:11:48,293 Deborah Vance doesn't snack, 266 00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:49,794 but she's contractually obligated to say... 267 00:11:49,836 --> 00:11:51,254 Wheat Thins. 268 00:11:51,296 --> 00:11:53,632 - Are you as turned on as I am? - No. 269 00:11:53,673 --> 00:11:56,092 You have 48 hours to fulfill all outstanding orders, 270 00:11:56,134 --> 00:11:58,428 and then you will shut this site down. 271 00:11:58,470 --> 00:12:00,639 I had no choice. 272 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,933 I have always wanted a Deborah Vance tour jacket, 273 00:12:03,975 --> 00:12:06,478 and they were always too small. 274 00:12:06,519 --> 00:12:09,606 So I made some in my size, and they sold out within a day. 275 00:12:09,648 --> 00:12:12,108 There is a community of people out there 276 00:12:12,150 --> 00:12:16,613 who are hungry for this stuff, and I gave it to them. 277 00:12:16,655 --> 00:12:20,575 Then, naturally, I branched out into unlicensed cookbooks, 278 00:12:20,659 --> 00:12:22,494 oven mitts, cell phone cases. 279 00:12:22,535 --> 00:12:24,954 You know, the more you talk, the stronger my lawsuit gets. 280 00:12:24,996 --> 00:12:26,706 Okay, okay. 281 00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:29,918 But if I don't do it, someone else will. 282 00:12:30,001 --> 00:12:32,295 Good day, Ezekiel. 283 00:12:40,887 --> 00:12:42,347 Here we go. Come on. Keep going. 284 00:12:42,430 --> 00:12:43,430 Nice. 285 00:12:43,431 --> 00:12:44,975 - Hey. - Hey. 286 00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:47,185 Made you something. Matcha. 287 00:12:47,227 --> 00:12:48,979 Oh, thanks. Put it over on the big tire. 288 00:12:50,730 --> 00:12:52,023 And time. 289 00:12:52,065 --> 00:12:53,692 Good. Go right into squat jumps. 290 00:12:53,775 --> 00:12:55,276 Down, explode. Nice. 291 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,696 So I was just thinking, maybe we should get 292 00:12:57,779 --> 00:12:59,932 some new silverware. 293 00:13:00,615 --> 00:13:02,325 Yeah, sure. 294 00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:03,868 You have 15 seconds. Push. 295 00:13:03,910 --> 00:13:05,704 It's just that I have my silverware, 296 00:13:05,745 --> 00:13:07,372 and you have your silverware, 297 00:13:07,414 --> 00:13:08,707 but I just thought it would be nice 298 00:13:08,748 --> 00:13:10,709 if we had, like, our silverware. 299 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:13,169 Yeah, sure. New silverware. 300 00:13:13,211 --> 00:13:14,963 Time. Nice. Back on the rope. 301 00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:16,589 Back on the rope. Right to it. 302 00:13:16,673 --> 00:13:19,551 Okay. Enjoy your matcha. 303 00:13:19,592 --> 00:13:21,261 Don't know why she's doing all that. 304 00:13:21,344 --> 00:13:22,554 Perfect the way she is. 305 00:13:22,595 --> 00:13:24,264 Love you. 306 00:13:24,347 --> 00:13:26,391 Love you. 307 00:13:26,433 --> 00:13:27,851 And time. 308 00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:33,064 She has scoliosis. 309 00:13:33,106 --> 00:13:34,190 I know. 310 00:13:34,232 --> 00:13:35,608 Ready for the bike? 311 00:13:35,692 --> 00:13:37,610 - I'm ready. - Yeah. 312 00:13:37,694 --> 00:13:40,572 And then I told him we could sue him if he didn't stop. 313 00:13:40,613 --> 00:13:42,699 Good. That should settle it. 314 00:13:42,741 --> 00:13:45,076 But then he said something interesting. 315 00:13:45,118 --> 00:13:47,579 Basically, people were asking him to make these products. 316 00:13:47,662 --> 00:13:49,706 He was only meeting a demand that was already there. 317 00:13:49,748 --> 00:13:51,583 So? 318 00:13:51,624 --> 00:13:54,377 So I think we should bring him in and the other sellers. 319 00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:55,920 They understand the Deborah Vance marketplace, 320 00:13:55,962 --> 00:13:57,589 because they are the marketplace. 321 00:13:57,631 --> 00:14:00,550 Oh, so we bring them in, and then we sue them. 322 00:14:00,592 --> 00:14:01,926 No, no. 323 00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:04,095 We bring in the independent creators, 324 00:14:04,137 --> 00:14:06,681 and we spotlight them on QVC. 325 00:14:06,765 --> 00:14:08,099 Listen, we've had an amazing year. 326 00:14:08,183 --> 00:14:09,684 Your profile is raised, 327 00:14:09,768 --> 00:14:11,436 and that's been hugely helpful for the company. 328 00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,271 But if we want to really scale up, 329 00:14:13,313 --> 00:14:15,273 we've got to start branching out and putting your stamp 330 00:14:15,315 --> 00:14:16,900 of approval on outside products, 331 00:14:16,941 --> 00:14:18,693 the way Oprah did with her Favorite Things. 332 00:14:18,777 --> 00:14:20,570 - I like Oprah. - Everyone does. 333 00:14:20,612 --> 00:14:23,573 But this would be a special hour every week on QVC 334 00:14:23,615 --> 00:14:26,159 devoted to the House of Vance. 335 00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:29,496 And for every sale, we get a cut, naturally. 336 00:14:29,579 --> 00:14:31,289 And after that, we sue them. 337 00:14:31,331 --> 00:14:33,416 Oh, Jesus, I'm kidding. 338 00:14:33,458 --> 00:14:37,045 But I'm afraid that QVC might think we're diluting the brand. 339 00:14:37,128 --> 00:14:38,588 I mean, it could backfire. 340 00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:40,131 It won't. 341 00:14:40,173 --> 00:14:41,549 Trust me. 342 00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:43,051 Okay. 343 00:14:43,134 --> 00:14:44,970 Let's pitch it on Monday's call. 344 00:14:45,053 --> 00:14:46,429 All right. 345 00:14:54,145 --> 00:14:55,313 Hello. 346 00:14:55,397 --> 00:14:57,315 Yeah, mama. 347 00:14:57,399 --> 00:14:59,985 - So how you feeling? - Really good. 348 00:15:00,026 --> 00:15:02,487 You were right. This is the right moment to do this. 349 00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:03,905 - Definitely. - It's going to kill. 350 00:15:03,989 --> 00:15:05,824 - All gold. - Kill. 351 00:15:05,865 --> 00:15:07,617 - Is that hazelnut coffee? - Yeah. 352 00:15:07,659 --> 00:15:10,662 - Yeah. - Oh. 353 00:15:10,745 --> 00:15:12,497 And then I went right over his shrubs. 354 00:15:12,539 --> 00:15:14,290 I guess you could say I trimmed Carrot's top. 355 00:15:14,332 --> 00:15:15,667 Fun. 356 00:15:15,709 --> 00:15:17,210 - Does that work? - Yeah, that's fun. 357 00:15:17,294 --> 00:15:19,170 Hey, so, little problem. 358 00:15:19,212 --> 00:15:22,007 Danny's got salmonella from the egg toss 359 00:15:22,048 --> 00:15:23,883 he did with Christiane Amanpour yesterday. 360 00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:25,969 We have to cancel and air a rerun. 361 00:15:26,011 --> 00:15:27,304 No. Oh. 362 00:15:27,345 --> 00:15:28,763 Really sorry, Deborah. 363 00:15:28,847 --> 00:15:30,849 Shit, I've got to release the audience. 364 00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:32,892 Shit, will you guys excuse me a minute? 365 00:15:32,976 --> 00:15:36,855 Wait, hey, um, what if Deborah guest-hosts? 366 00:15:36,896 --> 00:15:38,648 I mean, Danny's a fan, right? 367 00:15:38,690 --> 00:15:41,609 And you know she'd be great. She almost hosted herself. 368 00:15:41,693 --> 00:15:43,862 Would you? 369 00:15:43,903 --> 00:15:45,613 Yeah, I can do that. 370 00:15:45,697 --> 00:15:47,365 Okay. 371 00:15:47,407 --> 00:15:49,034 Um, I have to get approval from Winnie Landell, but... 372 00:15:49,117 --> 00:15:51,202 Oh, my God, Winnie Landell, I know her. 373 00:15:51,286 --> 00:15:53,204 - We met in Montreal. - Okay. 374 00:15:53,246 --> 00:15:54,873 Yeah, yeah. 375 00:15:54,956 --> 00:15:57,167 We're going to have to move really fast if this is... 376 00:15:57,208 --> 00:15:58,710 Yeah, let's go. Where are my writers? 377 00:15:58,752 --> 00:16:00,712 You made them wait outside because they have 378 00:16:00,795 --> 00:16:02,881 hazelnut coffee breath. 379 00:16:02,964 --> 00:16:04,549 - Well, find some mints. - Mints. 380 00:16:04,591 --> 00:16:06,217 We have a monologue to write. 381 00:16:06,301 --> 00:16:08,219 We're going to need a guest for the second act. 382 00:16:08,303 --> 00:16:09,804 You know, let us help with that. 383 00:16:09,888 --> 00:16:10,888 - We can help. - Yeah, we can help with that. 384 00:16:10,889 --> 00:16:12,849 Get... get... 385 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,312 We have some pitches that we think 386 00:16:17,395 --> 00:16:19,064 you're really going to like, Deborah. 387 00:16:19,105 --> 00:16:21,483 - Great, great. Okay. - Well, we don't have much time, 388 00:16:21,566 --> 00:16:22,984 so there's no such thing as a bad idea. 389 00:16:23,068 --> 00:16:24,694 - Let's hear them. - John. 390 00:16:24,736 --> 00:16:26,780 So maybe an in-studio sketch where you try not to set 391 00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:29,532 - your desk on fire but can't. - Uh-huh. 392 00:16:29,574 --> 00:16:31,117 Because of the whole, like, burning-down-the-house thing. 393 00:16:31,201 --> 00:16:32,410 Yeah, I got it. I got it. 394 00:16:32,452 --> 00:16:34,287 Anything else? 395 00:16:34,371 --> 00:16:36,373 What about a desk piece where you go through celebrities 396 00:16:36,414 --> 00:16:38,667 and guess their favorite sex position? 397 00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:41,503 Like Daniel Radcliffe's could be Dobby style. 398 00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:42,963 What? 399 00:16:43,046 --> 00:16:45,590 Like doggy style... 400 00:16:45,632 --> 00:16:47,425 but Dobby. 401 00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:49,594 So how long till we tape, again? 402 00:16:49,636 --> 00:16:51,346 About an hour. 403 00:16:51,429 --> 00:16:53,765 - Yeah. - Yeah. 404 00:16:53,848 --> 00:16:55,558 What if we put you in a Lincoln hat, 405 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,602 and you punch a sack of corn? 406 00:16:57,686 --> 00:16:59,604 No, no, no. I totally get it. It's fine. 407 00:16:59,646 --> 00:17:01,606 We'll circle back. Okay, all right, bye. 408 00:17:01,648 --> 00:17:03,400 Shit, she's in New York. 409 00:17:03,441 --> 00:17:05,943 - What about your mom? - No. 410 00:17:06,027 --> 00:17:08,779 My mom's Deidre Hall from "Days of Our Lives." 411 00:17:08,822 --> 00:17:10,531 Honestly, she's always camera ready, 412 00:17:10,615 --> 00:17:12,116 but I'm not sure it's worth it. 413 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,369 Oh, my God, Reese Witherspoon, I love her. 414 00:17:14,452 --> 00:17:16,203 Do you have a connection to her? 415 00:17:16,287 --> 00:17:17,789 I feel like I do. I love her. 416 00:17:17,872 --> 00:17:19,249 I just said that. 417 00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,334 Someone needs to listen. 418 00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:24,379 What if you sing? 419 00:17:24,421 --> 00:17:27,340 You know, you could really show off your musical-comedy chops. 420 00:17:27,424 --> 00:17:29,342 Musical comedy is an oxymoron. 421 00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:31,219 Yes, of course. 422 00:17:31,303 --> 00:17:32,846 What about a desk piece, and we call "Deb-it or Credit." 423 00:17:32,929 --> 00:17:34,639 Good, good. So what is it? 424 00:17:34,681 --> 00:17:36,224 Oh, I don't know. 425 00:17:36,308 --> 00:17:38,601 I was just seeing if you liked the title first. 426 00:17:38,643 --> 00:17:41,855 Oh, oh, you wear a wig, right? 427 00:17:41,938 --> 00:17:43,023 Yes. 428 00:17:43,106 --> 00:17:44,733 Maybe something with that? 429 00:17:44,816 --> 00:17:48,194 Something with wigs? 430 00:17:48,278 --> 00:17:49,821 Yeah. 431 00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:53,283 Hey. 432 00:17:53,325 --> 00:17:54,784 Yeah, hi, this is going to be quick, 433 00:17:54,826 --> 00:17:56,828 - because I don't have much time. - Okay. 434 00:17:56,911 --> 00:17:59,164 Loving this energy. Very "Bourne Identity." 435 00:17:59,205 --> 00:18:00,999 Well, listen, Danny Collins is out sick. 436 00:18:01,082 --> 00:18:02,292 Oh, shit. 437 00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:03,918 But trimming Carrot Top's bush. 438 00:18:04,002 --> 00:18:05,837 Yeah, I know, I know. But listen. 439 00:18:05,879 --> 00:18:08,506 I'm going to guest host. And so that's happening. 440 00:18:08,548 --> 00:18:10,967 - Oh, my God, that's amazing. - Yeah. 441 00:18:11,009 --> 00:18:14,262 We're throwing together a show, like, right now, now. 442 00:18:14,346 --> 00:18:18,308 So would it be okay if I, uh, 443 00:18:18,350 --> 00:18:21,645 you know, asked you your opinion about a joke? 444 00:18:21,686 --> 00:18:24,314 - Sure. - Okay, thanks. How's this? 445 00:18:24,356 --> 00:18:25,690 Danny has salmonella. 446 00:18:25,732 --> 00:18:27,442 The good news is, no one can directly 447 00:18:27,525 --> 00:18:29,736 connect me with the purchase of any toxic chemicals. 448 00:18:29,819 --> 00:18:32,489 What about the good news is, we're saving the network money 449 00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:34,324 'cause I only cost 80 cents on the dollar. 450 00:18:34,366 --> 00:18:35,700 That's good. 451 00:18:35,742 --> 00:18:37,744 That's good. I like that. 452 00:18:37,827 --> 00:18:40,246 Well, I'm getting a lot of texts here from my mom. 453 00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:41,748 She's wondering if she can get a car and driver to the show 454 00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:43,124 and then keep it after. 455 00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:45,585 His mom has an incredible body. 456 00:18:45,669 --> 00:18:48,490 - Kayla, I don't want to hear that, though. - It's a compliment. 457 00:18:48,491 --> 00:18:50,507 - Please. - What? Perfect ass. 458 00:18:50,548 --> 00:18:52,634 Kayla, this is my mother you're talking about. 459 00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:54,177 You're giving me a bad taste in my mouth. 460 00:18:54,219 --> 00:18:55,553 You're giving me a bad taste in my mouth. 461 00:18:55,637 --> 00:18:57,305 Stop talking about my mom. 462 00:18:57,389 --> 00:18:58,848 Okay, sorry that I complimented your mom's body. 463 00:18:58,890 --> 00:19:00,725 You never say anything about my mom's body. 464 00:19:00,809 --> 00:19:02,352 It would be wildly inappropriate if I did. 465 00:19:02,394 --> 00:19:03,728 Why would I talk about your mother's body? 466 00:19:03,812 --> 00:19:05,313 She's cute. 467 00:19:05,397 --> 00:19:06,898 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be funny. 468 00:19:06,982 --> 00:19:09,025 And... yes. And for a desk piece. 469 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,527 Oh, the visual. 470 00:19:10,568 --> 00:19:12,070 - The visual would be great. - Oh, my God. 471 00:19:12,153 --> 00:19:13,321 And then we could tag it with... 472 00:19:13,405 --> 00:19:14,906 Yes, oh, that's perfect. 473 00:19:14,990 --> 00:19:17,242 Yes. Oh, my God, that's the perfect opener. 474 00:19:17,283 --> 00:19:18,576 Thank you. 475 00:19:23,415 --> 00:19:27,085 Look, I know you probably can't, but... 476 00:19:27,127 --> 00:19:30,088 it'd be so much easier if you just came here. 477 00:19:32,257 --> 00:19:35,051 Hello? 478 00:19:39,097 --> 00:19:42,142 Sorry. Lost service in the elevator. 479 00:19:42,225 --> 00:19:44,644 Okay. So, yeah, I think that works for the opener, 480 00:19:44,728 --> 00:19:46,688 but then I think you got to go right into the Danny stuff. 481 00:19:46,771 --> 00:19:48,315 Okay. Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. 482 00:19:48,398 --> 00:19:49,899 Okay, but the poison line, is that too lateral? 483 00:19:49,941 --> 00:19:51,443 No, no, I don't think you need it at all. 484 00:19:51,484 --> 00:19:54,070 Okay, last question before she agrees. 485 00:19:54,112 --> 00:19:55,155 Does the hair and makeup department 486 00:19:55,238 --> 00:19:56,281 use cruelty-free products? 487 00:19:56,323 --> 00:19:57,449 I mean, I'll ask. 488 00:19:57,490 --> 00:19:58,783 I'm just going to get her here. 489 00:19:58,867 --> 00:19:59,909 - I'll figure it out. - Guess what. 490 00:19:59,951 --> 00:20:01,119 What? 491 00:20:01,161 --> 00:20:02,746 We do not have to worry anymore. 492 00:20:02,787 --> 00:20:03,913 We don't need a guest. Deborah figured it out. 493 00:20:03,955 --> 00:20:05,623 Well, what's the idea? 494 00:20:05,707 --> 00:20:07,083 She did not tell me. She actually said to get away. 495 00:20:07,125 --> 00:20:08,293 So... 496 00:20:08,335 --> 00:20:09,878 But I think it's going to be good. 497 00:20:09,961 --> 00:20:11,588 We don't need to worry. 498 00:20:11,630 --> 00:20:13,089 Well, this is going to suck. Would you excuse me? 499 00:20:13,131 --> 00:20:14,799 Hey, Mommy. 500 00:20:14,883 --> 00:20:17,636 Yeah, it turns out they do test on animals, big-time. 501 00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:19,679 I know. 502 00:20:21,556 --> 00:20:23,933 She said Kinos only. No LEDs. 2,900 Kelvin. 503 00:20:23,975 --> 00:20:25,143 And move "A" camera 30 degrees clockwise 504 00:20:25,226 --> 00:20:26,728 so we get more of her good side. 505 00:20:26,811 --> 00:20:28,313 And do you have any copper-colored lav mics? 506 00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:30,023 If not, I'm going to need a can of spray paint. 507 00:20:31,858 --> 00:20:33,777 Hanging there, sweetheart, to the right. 508 00:20:33,818 --> 00:20:36,613 You see it hanging there? The pink. The pink. 509 00:20:36,655 --> 00:20:38,239 Perfect, perfect, perfect. 510 00:20:38,323 --> 00:20:40,533 Good evening. How's everyone doing tonight? 511 00:20:40,617 --> 00:20:42,077 Good, good. 512 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:43,453 Sorry, I think you got to make that bigger. 513 00:20:43,495 --> 00:20:45,163 Yeah. 514 00:20:45,205 --> 00:20:47,916 Yeah, her text font is, like, double the size of that. 515 00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:51,127 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 516 00:20:51,169 --> 00:20:52,879 These are going to block her good side. 517 00:20:52,963 --> 00:20:55,340 I need those on the back wall. Small ones over there. 518 00:20:57,217 --> 00:20:58,760 Okay. 519 00:20:58,843 --> 00:21:00,845 Are you ready to be the best audience 520 00:21:00,929 --> 00:21:03,181 late night has ever heard? 521 00:21:27,288 --> 00:21:29,666 Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host, 522 00:21:29,708 --> 00:21:31,167 Deborah Vance! 523 00:21:37,340 --> 00:21:39,092 Thank you. 524 00:21:42,053 --> 00:21:44,681 - Colors look amazing. - Thank you so much. 525 00:21:44,723 --> 00:21:47,267 As you might know, Danny is out with a health issue. 526 00:21:47,350 --> 00:21:48,810 And out of respect for his privacy, 527 00:21:48,893 --> 00:21:50,603 I can't say much more than that. 528 00:21:50,687 --> 00:21:52,689 But should you experience an erection lasting longer 529 00:21:52,731 --> 00:21:54,816 than six hours, this is a medical emergency, 530 00:21:54,899 --> 00:21:56,568 and you should consult a doctor. 531 00:22:01,156 --> 00:22:04,242 I recently found out there's a group of people on Etsy 532 00:22:04,284 --> 00:22:08,413 who are selling knockoff Deborah Vance merchandise 533 00:22:08,455 --> 00:22:10,415 with things I supposedly said 534 00:22:10,457 --> 00:22:13,918 printed on them, which leads us to a segment I like to call, 535 00:22:14,002 --> 00:22:16,755 Did I Say It? 536 00:22:16,838 --> 00:22:18,923 A poster that says, "I may love jewelry, 537 00:22:18,965 --> 00:22:21,676 but a ring has no place on my coffee table." 538 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,179 - Do you think I said it? - Yes! 539 00:22:24,262 --> 00:22:27,349 Yes, I did, right before 540 00:22:27,432 --> 00:22:29,934 a friendship-ending argument with Nancy Reagan. 541 00:22:33,605 --> 00:22:35,231 So good. 542 00:22:35,273 --> 00:22:38,109 We are down a guest, but I'm going to fix that. 543 00:22:39,319 --> 00:22:40,862 You sir, you. 544 00:22:40,945 --> 00:22:43,740 Fourth row. Yes, you, you. Yeah. Come here. 545 00:22:46,826 --> 00:22:48,578 So what do you do for work? 546 00:22:48,620 --> 00:22:50,747 I'm actually a TSA agent. 547 00:22:50,789 --> 00:22:53,333 Okay, that's all the time we have, ladies and gentlemen. 548 00:22:53,416 --> 00:22:55,418 No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 549 00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:58,088 You must find some weird stuff in people's suitcases. 550 00:22:58,129 --> 00:22:59,464 It's kind of X rated. 551 00:22:59,506 --> 00:23:01,383 Oh, now you have to tell us. 552 00:23:01,466 --> 00:23:02,884 Come on. 553 00:23:02,968 --> 00:23:04,427 A few years ago, 554 00:23:04,469 --> 00:23:06,137 this guy went through the metal detector. 555 00:23:06,179 --> 00:23:08,098 I guess he was wearing a... 556 00:23:08,139 --> 00:23:09,641 can I say "cuck cage" on TV? 557 00:23:12,352 --> 00:23:14,646 Well, Lance, I think you just did. 558 00:23:14,729 --> 00:23:16,231 What on Earth is that? 559 00:23:16,314 --> 00:23:20,443 It's like a metal cage that goes on a man's... 560 00:23:20,485 --> 00:23:22,988 - TSA wand. - Yes. 561 00:23:23,071 --> 00:23:26,574 And you can only take it off with a key. 562 00:23:26,658 --> 00:23:28,159 But his wife had the key. 563 00:23:28,243 --> 00:23:30,829 - And where was she? - In Miami. 564 00:23:33,915 --> 00:23:36,793 Hey. Don't you need to get back to your actual job? 565 00:23:36,835 --> 00:23:38,586 Oh, my God. Fuck. Shit. 566 00:23:38,670 --> 00:23:40,380 I'm supposed to get them coffee. 567 00:23:40,463 --> 00:23:41,548 Mm. 568 00:23:41,631 --> 00:23:43,758 So, according to these cards, 569 00:23:43,842 --> 00:23:46,011 you broke your hand training for the film? 570 00:23:46,052 --> 00:23:47,470 Yeah. 571 00:23:47,512 --> 00:23:49,180 Actually, it's an interesting story. 572 00:23:49,222 --> 00:23:50,640 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. 573 00:23:50,682 --> 00:23:52,267 Are you just bored to tears from having 574 00:23:52,350 --> 00:23:53,727 to tell this story over and over and over again 575 00:23:53,810 --> 00:23:55,228 to the press and make it sound natural? 576 00:23:55,312 --> 00:23:56,438 You're going to get me in trouble. 577 00:23:58,189 --> 00:23:59,899 I told that so many times, I said it in my sleep 578 00:23:59,983 --> 00:24:01,192 and woke my girlfriend up. 579 00:24:01,234 --> 00:24:03,236 Well, she gets to sleep with you, 580 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,904 so she doesn't get to complain. 581 00:24:04,988 --> 00:24:07,866 Oh, come on, it's not a Me Too if I do it! 582 00:24:09,451 --> 00:24:11,202 No, but, seriously, look at those arms. 583 00:24:11,286 --> 00:24:13,872 - How much can you bench? - Uh, bench... 300, 310 pounds. 584 00:24:13,955 --> 00:24:15,623 What? No. Prove it. 585 00:24:15,707 --> 00:24:17,375 Bench-press me. 586 00:24:21,212 --> 00:24:22,380 Shut up! 587 00:24:22,422 --> 00:24:25,008 Brad! Give it up for Brad! 588 00:24:25,050 --> 00:24:27,135 Whoo! 589 00:24:27,218 --> 00:24:30,305 Thank you, thank you. 590 00:24:32,098 --> 00:24:33,475 Thank you so much, every one of you, 591 00:24:33,558 --> 00:24:35,310 for making it so special. 592 00:24:35,393 --> 00:24:37,187 Danny, thank you for loaning me the chair for the night. 593 00:24:37,228 --> 00:24:38,980 He will be back tomorrow. 594 00:24:39,064 --> 00:24:42,859 All of you, thank you, and good night. 595 00:24:42,901 --> 00:24:45,195 You were great. 596 00:24:51,868 --> 00:24:53,161 Phenomenal. 597 00:24:53,244 --> 00:24:54,746 That guy was, like, really cute. 598 00:24:54,788 --> 00:24:56,456 - That was really good. - Should I call him? 599 00:24:56,539 --> 00:24:58,249 She was great. Unbelievably great. 600 00:24:58,291 --> 00:24:59,751 So good. 601 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,881 Thanks. Thank you. 602 00:25:04,923 --> 00:25:06,800 Oh, my God, Deborah. 603 00:25:06,883 --> 00:25:10,053 That was... I mean, what an incredible show. 604 00:25:10,095 --> 00:25:12,097 - Thanks. Thanks. - You were just unbelievable. 605 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:15,350 - Thank you. - Ah. Whew. 606 00:25:15,433 --> 00:25:17,769 Is it okay if I just hang here for a minute? 607 00:25:17,852 --> 00:25:19,270 Oh, yeah, yeah, take your time. 608 00:25:19,312 --> 00:25:21,272 - I'll see you backstage. - Absolutely. 609 00:26:01,479 --> 00:26:02,981 Hi. 610 00:26:03,023 --> 00:26:05,150 You were right about that last monologue joke. 611 00:26:05,191 --> 00:26:06,735 - It killed. - Told you so. 612 00:26:06,818 --> 00:26:08,486 And you did a shockingly good job 613 00:26:08,528 --> 00:26:09,988 not kink-shaming cuck cages. 614 00:26:10,030 --> 00:26:11,281 Oh, I got another call. 615 00:26:11,323 --> 00:26:12,490 Yeah. I'm going to take this. 616 00:26:12,574 --> 00:26:14,159 - Can you... - Yeah, sure. 617 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,785 Hello. 618 00:26:15,827 --> 00:26:17,495 Deborah, it's Danny Collins. 619 00:26:17,579 --> 00:26:19,497 Hey. How are you feeling? 620 00:26:19,539 --> 00:26:21,333 Oh, not bad. 621 00:26:21,416 --> 00:26:22,834 In between having my last rites read to me, 622 00:26:22,917 --> 00:26:24,336 I saw the show. You did a hell of a job. 623 00:26:24,419 --> 00:26:26,254 Thank you. 624 00:26:26,338 --> 00:26:27,756 Seriously, you were having so much fun up there. 625 00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:29,507 Yeah, well, it's a fun gig. 626 00:26:29,549 --> 00:26:31,301 Eh, at first. 627 00:26:31,343 --> 00:26:33,178 At this point, I'm basically on cruise control. 628 00:26:33,219 --> 00:26:35,764 Between you and me and my wife's divorce lawyer, 629 00:26:35,847 --> 00:26:37,849 I'm leaving when my contract is up in a few months. 630 00:26:37,932 --> 00:26:39,517 Oh? 631 00:26:39,559 --> 00:26:41,478 It'll be some other guy's show soon. 632 00:26:41,519 --> 00:26:43,188 Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for stepping up. 633 00:26:43,229 --> 00:26:45,065 Oh, my pleasure. Anytime. 634 00:26:45,148 --> 00:26:47,025 Thanks for calling, Danny. 635 00:26:47,067 --> 00:26:48,860 - Love you, Deborah. - Okay. 636 00:26:48,902 --> 00:26:50,904 Bye. 637 00:26:50,987 --> 00:26:52,822 Ava. 638 00:26:52,864 --> 00:26:55,075 Yeah, that was definitely an I'll-call-you-back situation. 639 00:26:55,158 --> 00:26:56,743 I know, I know, I'm sorry. 640 00:26:56,826 --> 00:26:58,578 Listen, you said you have a hiatus coming up 641 00:26:58,662 --> 00:26:59,996 from your show, right? 642 00:27:00,038 --> 00:27:02,123 - How long is it? - Uh, three months. 643 00:27:02,165 --> 00:27:03,750 Do you have any plans? 644 00:27:08,171 --> 00:27:10,423 - Hey. - Hey. 645 00:27:10,507 --> 00:27:12,968 I was thinking, do you think it just makes more sense 646 00:27:13,051 --> 00:27:14,970 if I visit for, like, a weekend, 647 00:27:15,053 --> 00:27:16,554 since you'll be working so much? 648 00:27:16,638 --> 00:27:18,723 - What? - Yeah. 649 00:27:18,765 --> 00:27:21,810 Um, this, uh... this work thing came up. 650 00:27:21,851 --> 00:27:24,896 Shit. I mean, that's totally fine if it's for work. 651 00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:26,231 Is it for the show? 652 00:27:26,314 --> 00:27:30,819 You know what? It's actually, um... 653 00:27:30,902 --> 00:27:32,696 for Deborah. 654 00:27:32,737 --> 00:27:34,906 - Are you serious? - I know. I know. 655 00:27:34,990 --> 00:27:37,909 But listen, they're replacing the late show host, 656 00:27:37,951 --> 00:27:40,412 and I think she has a real shot at it. 657 00:27:40,495 --> 00:27:43,039 She asked me to help her just on my hiatus. 658 00:27:43,081 --> 00:27:45,875 But you'll be working so much, right? 659 00:27:45,917 --> 00:27:48,670 - So this could be good. - Good for who? 660 00:27:48,753 --> 00:27:50,088 It's just for a couple months. 661 00:27:50,130 --> 00:27:51,673 I don't care how long it's for. 662 00:27:51,756 --> 00:27:53,675 I mean, she fired you and then cut you off. 663 00:27:53,758 --> 00:27:55,218 That's fucked up. 664 00:27:55,260 --> 00:27:57,095 You couldn't stop talking about it for months, 665 00:27:57,137 --> 00:27:58,638 about how unhealthy it was. 666 00:27:58,722 --> 00:28:00,807 And now we're finally in a good place. 667 00:28:00,890 --> 00:28:02,600 It makes me feel like you're more serious about her 668 00:28:02,642 --> 00:28:05,353 than you are about your job, our life here, me. 669 00:28:05,437 --> 00:28:07,564 What? What are you talking about? 670 00:28:07,605 --> 00:28:09,274 I'm so serious about you. 671 00:28:09,316 --> 00:28:11,776 I mean, we're getting married. 672 00:28:12,986 --> 00:28:14,279 - What? - What? 673 00:28:14,321 --> 00:28:16,031 I found the ring, okay? 674 00:28:16,114 --> 00:28:18,533 Ava, what are you talking about? 675 00:28:18,616 --> 00:28:20,368 Oh. 676 00:28:20,452 --> 00:28:21,786 Ava. 677 00:28:21,828 --> 00:28:23,621 Here. 678 00:28:23,705 --> 00:28:26,416 Ask me. I'll say yes. 679 00:28:26,458 --> 00:28:28,209 - Oh, my God. - Or I can ask you. 680 00:28:28,293 --> 00:28:31,129 We're gay. There are no rules. 681 00:28:31,212 --> 00:28:32,964 - Oh, my God. - Ruby Rojas... 682 00:28:33,006 --> 00:28:35,091 from the first time I saw you at Little Dom's... 683 00:28:35,133 --> 00:28:37,469 Oh, my God, Ava, stop. Stop. Okay, stop. 684 00:28:37,552 --> 00:28:41,306 This ring is from the show. 685 00:28:41,389 --> 00:28:43,642 This is how Wolf Girl gets her powers. 686 00:28:43,725 --> 00:28:45,644 I have it here to help me get into character. 687 00:28:45,727 --> 00:28:47,520 And I have to wear it to practice 688 00:28:47,604 --> 00:28:48,980 while I'm wielding the flail. 689 00:28:53,318 --> 00:28:55,028 Huh. 690 00:28:55,111 --> 00:28:56,488 I'm gonna stand up. 691 00:28:56,529 --> 00:28:58,406 I knew you didn't read the graphic novel. 692 00:28:58,490 --> 00:29:00,640 I don't know how to follow the fucking boxes. 693 00:29:00,641 --> 00:29:03,119 Wait. You want to get married? 694 00:29:03,161 --> 00:29:04,746 - I thought so. - You thought so? 695 00:29:04,829 --> 00:29:06,706 - I misunderstood. - Uh-huh. 696 00:29:06,790 --> 00:29:08,917 Listen, this has gotten completely out of hand. 697 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:10,710 - Yeah. - And I'm sorry about the trip. 698 00:29:10,794 --> 00:29:12,253 I'm sorry I just proposed. 699 00:29:12,337 --> 00:29:14,047 But it's different this time. 700 00:29:14,130 --> 00:29:15,799 I'm just going to be working with her temporarily. 701 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,009 You're not going to be working with her. 702 00:29:18,093 --> 00:29:19,511 You're going to be working for her. 703 00:29:19,552 --> 00:29:21,346 You'll always be working for her. 704 00:29:21,429 --> 00:29:24,683 You're making this such a bigger deal than it needs to be. 705 00:29:24,766 --> 00:29:26,118 You're canceling our plans to go work with someone 706 00:29:26,119 --> 00:29:28,645 who was borderline abusive because she might get a job. 707 00:29:28,687 --> 00:29:31,815 Look, I know that you respect this person. 708 00:29:31,856 --> 00:29:34,150 And I know you're proud of the work you did together, 709 00:29:34,192 --> 00:29:36,319 but it was also really hard, 710 00:29:36,361 --> 00:29:38,530 and not just when she fired you... 711 00:29:38,571 --> 00:29:40,115 the whole time. 712 00:29:40,198 --> 00:29:42,158 She slapped you. She sued you. 713 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,702 You said she was toxic. 714 00:29:43,785 --> 00:29:45,704 I said that stuff when I was mad at her. 715 00:29:45,787 --> 00:29:47,706 I'm so sorry. You just don't get it. 716 00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:52,669 Yeah. 717 00:29:52,711 --> 00:29:54,754 I guess I don't get it. 718 00:29:54,838 --> 00:29:57,048 Fuck. 719 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,014 - I think we need to take some space. - What? No. 720 00:30:04,055 --> 00:30:05,932 Come on. 721 00:30:06,016 --> 00:30:07,392 Yeah. 722 00:30:07,434 --> 00:30:09,894 I'll, um, I'll go to Iceland alone. 723 00:30:09,936 --> 00:30:12,772 And, um... 724 00:30:12,856 --> 00:30:15,150 you do your thing. 725 00:30:15,233 --> 00:30:18,820 And we'll see where we're at when we're back... 726 00:30:18,903 --> 00:30:21,239 if you're back. 727 00:30:21,323 --> 00:30:23,074 - Ruby. - No. 728 00:30:23,116 --> 00:30:25,035 Are you serious? 729 00:31:20,966 --> 00:31:23,551 Welcome back. 730 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,306 Shoes off. 731 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:40,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -